He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
