What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
