I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
