now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
