Don't make out with my wife yet
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
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