After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize