Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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