Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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