she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
