I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
