Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
