I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
