Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
