you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
