I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
