Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
