mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
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