FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
don't judge my taste in strippers
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
