She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
