I'm eating all of the evidence.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Randomize
