So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize