god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
