The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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