Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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