dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
