You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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