it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
