I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
