Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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