dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
