I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
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