Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize