At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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