i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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