just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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