She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
