I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
