I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
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