Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
