I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
