The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Just invented taco cereal.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
