I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
i came on her dog
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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