Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
