I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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