i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
