3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Duck Duck Cougar?
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
