Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
