so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
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