Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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