I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
