Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
