Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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