The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize