mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
