She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
