We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Please don't give away my fajitas
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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