I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
