i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
