the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
